Changing on the Inside

It is more difficult to change
what is on the outside
than what is on the inside.
--Paulo Coelho

When those around you, your partner, your children, your family, those with whom you work, those who see you in everyday life . . .when they, look at you, whom do they see?

Do they see a tough guy . . . someone people don’t want to mess with . . fear? Do they see a buffoon . . . a clown who treats everything lightly, a joke? Do they see a victim . . . someone who is always taken advantage of, the world treats unfairly? Do they see a coward who goes along with the crowd to avoid rejection or ridicule? Do they see a cheater . . .someone not to trust, to steer clear of? Do they see a cynic . . . someone who seems to think the worst in every situation? Do they see a braggart, a show off, a bully . . . a person intent on controlling those around him with coercion, social pressure and belittling? Do they see a wise person . . .someone they would come to, to help them solve their problems, that they listen to?

This essay is not asking if you actually are one of those people described, but would the people around you, see you that way? Do others look at you and describe you as a bully, a coward, a cheater, a hero, a leader? If you can agree you most likely represent one of those described above, then . . . is that really you; or on the inside are you someone else?

As we move through life we gain new insights about ourselves, we realize our mistakes and we come to new or different understandings of right and wrong. We change our thought on the inside, but now can we change our behaviour on the outside?.

We think: “I don’t want to be a tough guy any more, I’m tired of that. I want the closeness and love and respect and appreciation and high regard of all those around me. But what about my outer appearances? I’ve acted the tough guy so long that I’ll never be believed. Those I have intimidated, bullied, coerced, abused will never accept the new me, the changed me. Does that mean I’m trapped, that I must accept myself as a bully evermore? What would be the risk if I just stopped acting like a bully, right now? My closest friends wouldn’t believe me, they’d be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It would make them nervous, suspicious, mistrusting. Some of those who knew me more casually might take my lack of aggression as a chink in my armor and take the opportunity to attack me. As impossibly difficult as it might seem, I would have to step out of their way, avoid them, give them their small perceived victory and then leave without reprisal. With others, I might have to expect indifference or lack of recognition. When I was an aggressive bully, they had to pay attention or face peril. Now I would just be that guy who was always such a jerk in the past. At first I may be shunned, rejected, not included . . .but if my new personality is only positive, non-threatening and friendly those around me, may they eventually set aside their old opinions? They won’t forget, and I may always be held to a higher standard but eventually I could leave my old life behind.

We think: I have nothing worth valuing so I have become a clown. Those around me laugh at my humour, comment on my antics and grimace at my attempts to put myself down, to make a joke at my own expense. Jokes are almost always made at someone’s expense. What if I stopped doing that, would I become invisible to those around me? What could I offer to others if not my humour? What is it that I value most in others, could I start to offer that instead of acting the buffoon?

We think: Why does it always happen to me? It seems like I’m not capable of avoiding disaster. If someone is going to take advantage of others, it is me who they choose as their victim. If someone is going to be chosen for something good, it is always someone else . . .I am never chosen. Society is unfair. The rich and powerful and famous and privileged make rules that I must live by; rules that hold me down.

I want something more during my life so I will start by writing down what I realistically want for myself and five or six positive and practical things I can do to work towards reaching my goal. I’ll have a timeframe for when this is going to be done. When I get there, I’ll re-evaluate whether I was realistic in time and goal; then I’ll make a new goal. All these little goals will start by accepting that society and friends and acquaintances have their own goals and limitations and that I will have to acknowledge them and take them into consideration as I make my own plans. I will have to accept that day to day I must be respectful. I can’t get to my goals by trying to change others or society.

We think: I’m tired of being afraid, of being a little mouse, of hiding in corners and not speaking my mind. I’m going to start standing up for myself. When someone asks me to do something that is unfair, I will tell them I think it is unfair and that I won’t do that any more. But there may be a cost to that. I may be rejected, or punished or ridiculed and the person making fun of me may have the support of other people who are also afraid to stand up to him or her. Never the less I will restate my position and stand by it because no matter what the consequences, I will know, I did what is right for me. I will be proud and feel good, not ashamed, of my decision.

We think: I’m a nice guy, in fact probably nicer than most. I’m pleasant, I’m fair and usually I’m right, I’m generous to a fault, I’m intelligent, I love to socialize and the people who gather around me ‘Get’ my humour, they think like I do. My wife used to be like that too. . .she ‘Got’ me and I got her; she was a babe before the kids came along. Now she’s let herself go a bit . . . or more than a bit, if you catch my drift. The chicks that my guy friends hang out with are still ‘hot’ and the little wifey would be hot too if she’d put a little effort into it. I don’t get why we aren’t as close as before. She’s always upset with me now and from the time we get up in the morning to the time we go to bed, she does nothing but criticize and frankly I’m sick of it. If she wants to know why I’m always on the golf course, she should look at herself. There should be a statute of limitations on “bitchy” Don’t get me wrong, I love the little woman but my golf buddies all agree with me, she’s gotta loosen up or this guys going back on the market. . . and my parents are no different, for some reason they’re on her side. It sure screws up Christmas’s when everyone’s on your back. The kids don’t see it. I got them both 4-wheelers this year and PS2’s - - Got the wifey a diamond necklace and she loved it, but the next day she was back at me . . .there’s just no justice.

OK . . . That’s me on the outside, but inside, I’m lost, what the hell can I do? I know that my partner is just reacting to the way I treated her, to the way I’ve always treated her, to way I still treat her, she sees right past my gifts, my glitzy behaviours.

When it gets right down to it, I know I’m heading down a dead end. It’s almost as if I’m addicted to the life style I’ve built for myself and truth be told, I know I can’t keep this up for ever. I don’t want my kids and my wife to value me only for the gifts I give them. I don’t want my wife to resent the way I act in public. I know that some day there will be a younger, cooler guy than me who will start to get all the attention I demanded till now. I’m always the one with the right opinion, I always pretend I know everything and no-one else’s opinion matters. I’ve got to put away that habit if I want to continue to have a family. I know that most of the men I hang out with are sunny day friends and we share this insincere game of trying to ‘one-up’ each other. If I’m not more honest and straight-forward with them, I know some day they’ll abandon me for something more real, something more worthy.

If I’m to think about this like a mature person, I have to take responsibility for what I’ve created. I have a home, a wife, children who need me as a roll model. I need to share my life, my whole life, with my wife. I need to include her as I socialize, discuss our problems and solutions together, share equally in parenting our children and get back to building our lives together. I know that may not be easy. I’ve given my family few reasons to trust me and it may be years before that trust is ever restored.

Many men are able to describe exactly, what is right, what is moral, what it just, what is fair, what is respectful, what is equal, and what is honest; and yet, they haven’t been able to live the life they can describe so well. They are fearful that if the start to take apart one of the protective shells described above, they will not survive the outcome; yet with this ‘Shell’ they are destroying themselves or preventing themselves from achieving those things they actually value most.

Does your shell need rebuilding . . . What could you do today to start that process?

© B. Brown 2010

The Selfish Fisherman

Bruce Brown

This is actually an article about male privilege. Somehow, when some men find partners and marry, there is an unwritten law that the marriage won’t get in the way of his games and toys. That law is seldom discussed during the courting period but when the romance wanes these particular men often put their own desires above the demands of the relationship.

Not too long ago during one of our Men’s Groups, we discussed financial abuse in relationships, and as part of the evening’s display we showed a short film clip in which the man of the house was preparing to go on a fishing trip.

He hadn’t discussed or planned with his wife about the financial aspect of the trip and when he discovered they didn’t have enough money to go he became angry at his

wife and blamed her for paying the bills when he had counted on using that money for his weekend with the boys.

Interestingly, one of the man our group that evening was also planning a weekend fishing and hunting expedition with his friends but like the character in the film, he hadn’t taken his wife into consideration. Actually he had, but he had decided to go anyway come hell or high water and his wife was just going to have to put up with it because he was not going to miss this weekend with the boys.

He was agonizing to the group about this. He had responsibilities at work that he was leaving he was going to be leaving his wife on the hook for some things that just had to be done that weekend and he was spending money he didn’t really have, for his own recreation.

It was pointed out to him by several in the group that he was making a decision without including his wife. It was pretty obvious that he understood what he was doing but by not going to hunting camp, he felt he was cheating himself out of one of his favorite pastimes. He was pretty frustrated that neither the group nor the group leaders could provide him with a solution of his moral quandary.

In relationships, these sorts of predicaments are quite common. In our scenario this thirty-something man had been going on this ‘Hunting Camp weekend with his friends since their teen years and when his relationship with his wife came along he thought he could just fit it in with the rest of his life and for the most part he could. His wife was supportive of many of his interests and he of hers but now there was a conflict and the decision he made, appeared selfish, self serving and ultimately it was taking advantage of his partner. He knew if he discussed it with her, the outcome would be that he probably couldn’t go.

What to do? In this case, he knows and you as readers probably know, what the answer is. If the man feels any compulsion to act in a responsible, adult way, his decision would be personally painful, yet easy.

His choices are clear. He can forsake his partner for his friends, leaving her to make the decision on how their relationship is to proceed (or not proceed) in the future;

He can once again borrow against the currency of good will that exists between two partners in a relationship; or he can make the fair respectful decision to attend to his home responsibilities, his partner, his business decisions and offer his regrets to his hunting and fishing buddies.

A little more foresight and reasonable planning might help in the future; more communication and discussion with his partner and his friends might help in the present;

and some reflection and examination of his values and beliefs might help him in reconciling his behavior in the past. This is not a one time crisis, an unfortunate event, it is part of his continuum and he will continue to face this dilemma until he decides to modify his beliefs and behaviors to be less ego-centric.

We all face variations on these sorts of decisions on a daily basis. We choose to watch TV while the dinner dishes are being done or we rush off in the morning without putting out the trash. We just never remember to clean the toilet, and if asked we have a really good reason why we weren’t able to do those things. Do any of the following excuses sound at all familiar? “I work all day, she just has the kids to deal with”, “I need some down time after dinner”, “jees, I just plain forgot about the garbage”, “Sorry, no way, I just don’t do toilets” and right up to “I gotta go - the guys in the hunting camp are counting on me”

Relationships are all about give and take. We have a responsibility on an ongoing basis to honestly evaluate whose doing the giving and whose doing the taking and if that’s getting out of balance, there needs to be a correction or the relationship will stop working.

“Honey, it’s just going to kill me to miss this weekend with the boys but financially I can’t swing it and I don’t want to leave you on the hook for that work we had to do – I’m staying home”

Hockey Dads and guiding your children

By: Bruce Brown




I’ve been struggling with something I was approached on last week. We are trying to impart some usable values to dads. One father approached me and asked how he can share watching the hockey game with his son.

He revealed that he finds it exciting when two players get into a fight on the ice, the gloves come off and there are bloodied noses. He enjoys that. It gives him a rush. He feels like he wants to cheer and root for one fighter or another and makes a triumphant show when the underdog gets beaten up.

He claims all this was part of his upbringing in his northern community. It was a huge part of their society to play hockey in the winter. The competitiveness and the brutal fighting were all part of it.

His son asks him why these revered NHL players are allowed to do this on the TV yet he gets in trouble for the same type of conflict in the schoolyard. Why does his dad get excited and cheer for this type of brawling in front of the TV and yet when he copies this behaviour in the street, dad hauls him into the house and lectures him.

Dad reveals that his son sees this as a double standard. . and IT IS! If dad, as an adult, is excited by violence and physical battering, maybe he has to examine his own beliefs and attitudes. Is this excitement, or an offshoot of a fearful reaction? If Dad identifies with one or the other of the fighters, maybe that agitated feeling is his own fear of getting beaten or attacked and he actually is having a fantasy about how he would have to react to protect himself to beat off or over-come the attacker. He gets excited and stimulated by a fantasy in his own mind that he is involved in this possibly life and death fight.

This of course is not real and how can his young son possibly understand that his dad is having a fantasy and the ‘players’ in this fantasy are paid thousands of dollars to draw viewers into this fantasy. The answer is that a child cannot possibly understand these things and needs some protection from these displays and fantasies until they are older and able to form their own opinions about them.

The emotions Dad displays in front of the TV don’t belong in the realm of children. They fall in the same category with foul abusive language, overt sexuality, cheating/dishonesty and Intimidation. They are all beyond children’s ability to understand yet well within their ability to practice imitating.

If you are going to watch Hockey together as a family recreation you’ll have to keep you feelings to yourself around the violence. You can cheer for good skating, an exciting goal, a great save or terrific plays. You can boo when the referee makes a really bad call on a play. When your son or daughter asks about the violence, no matter how giddy you feel about it inside you help them understand that is not an acceptable behaviour on or off the ice. They must come to realize that this is a game in a hockey area and is not real life.

You need to use your adult discretion to show different types of behaviour while you are with children. If you can’t do this for them, they may grow up to believe that violence is acceptable under certain circumstances. They may grow up as part of a society who accept gun fights and gang violence on the street. They may see intimidation as the best way to get what they want. They may come to believe that if you really want something that you just beat-up someone and take it or cheat and steal.

You are the one setting the standards for your children by being a model for them. There is no doubt. . what you show them, they will eventually copy and do themselves.

When other children or adults try bullying or agressive tactics on your very own kids, they could end up being victims themselves because they don’t know any other way of figuring out what is happening to them.

If you teach them fairness, co-operation and respectful methods of dealing with others, they will grow up to be the leaders in a better society.

Bruce Brown

My son’s turning Gay and I’ve got to stop it.

My, much too long essay as I try to come to terms with my client's Homophobia- Bruce Brown

These are the basics of a lecture, a client gave the other day. I didn’t copy it down word for word but I have included many exact quotations and have tried to capture, without exaggeration, the feeling of what he was trying to convey.
His words:
"The other day I found my 6 year old son in the bathroom trying on make-up. I told my son that he’s not to play with that make-up stuff any more and that goes for the Barbie dolls too! Guys don’t wear makeup and they don’t play with dolls. That’s the difference between guys and girls.
Now I have nothing against homo’s as long as they stay away from me. If my son comes to me when he’s a teenager and says he likes guys better, I’m going to tell him that he’s got to try chicks first. I want him to go out with chicks to see the normal side of things before he goes Homo on me.
If he’s gotta do that , he’s not doing it in my house. It’s not normal. There wouldn’t be any human race if everyone were homos. Don’t tell me that is just part of some peoples nature. Something has turned them into a homo and you can turn them back again."
Is this man is wrong and people are born with a tendency to be gay or, is he’s right and something in the way he has raises his son may cause the son to be gay?

Let’s say he is right and his environment caused him to be gay. What could have caused that? Could it be that Dad was so hard and demanding that he retreated into a softer more feminine place. A place where people are gentle with each other; where people are not threatening, but supportive; a place where you can hold and caress your friends when you, or they, need comfort?
Perhaps, the outside world is not one he wants to face. Perhaps the men’s violence in the media and the aggressiveness of many of his friends in the school yard is just something he is fearful of facing. Putting on makeup and playing make believe with Barbie Dolls is a much less threatening.

Perhaps a male friend of his, is kind, soft and supportive of him, always friendly, never harsh, while the girls he has met are taunting, teasing and mean.
Perhaps his Father is aggressive, unsympathetic and yells at his mother who he sees as his protector. He decides to choose the more agreeable of his two parents as his roll model. He decides he would like to be more like his mother than like his father.
All the stuff mentioned above is Possible but if that sort of thing Caused people to be gay. Then half the people in the world would be Gay and that’s not the case.
The personality of your Mother or Father, the behaviour of the people around you, the media and your own self-esteem can all contribute to how you interpret your own sexuality. As a woman, you might feel pressured to behave in the same way that the women around you behave. As a man, you might feel pressured to behave like the men around you behave. Yet that behaviour might feel uncomfortable to you.
Every one of us has found ourselves in a situation where the behaviours or the expectations of the people around us have made us feel uncomfortable. That is the case with a certain proportion of people in our society who feel more comfortable relating sexually and/or emotionally with others of their own sex.
They often feel they have to hide it so they won’t be discriminated against. The sad truth is that merely because they are having a loving relationship with someone of their own sex, they may be denied employment, rejected from their religion or from participation in a club or organization. They may be ridiculed as less of a person. Is this a sad statement on our society?

Just as in every segment of society, there are Gay people who flaunt their sexuality in public as a sort of an ‘In your face’ protest of the bigotry against them. There are others who, just like in the heterosexual community, have sex with multiple partners with flagrant disregard for hygiene, and disease transmission. No one, regardless of his or her beliefs, respects that sort of behaviour. That is not what Homosexuality is about any more than the "Swingers" society represents what Heterosexuality means.
You, or Society, does not have to fear women who cut their hair short and wear pants. You needn’t fear men who wear colourful ties, speak in overly expressive voices or compliment you on your attractive head of hair. These people may not even be Gay! Frankly, unless they wish to discuss it with you it’s none of your business.
Two men, or two women, who live their lives together, who hold hands in public and who give each other a parting kiss also may not be gay and they may or may not have a private sexual relationship. Unless they wish to discuss it with you . . IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
If you feel uncomfortable when you see people who look or dress or act differently from you, do you need to ask yourself why you are uncomfortable? Do you believe, perhaps, that you have the right to tell other people how they should look or act?
How did you come to believe that?
Is their behaviour disrespectful of you?
Does it really have anything at all to do with you?
If these people work for you, will their behaviour and attitudes make them incapable of doing their jobs?
If they sit beside you at the theatre and their leg happens to touch yours, does that make you fearful? And why?
If your son or daughter grow up and decide to take a partner of the same sex, does that reflect on who you are?
Would your friends or the members of your church think less of you because your son is Gay?
If that is the case does that reflect on you and your son or does it reflect on them?
The whole point here is that we’re all individuals. We are tall or short, we are young or old, we are white or black, we are out-going or inward turned. We prefer people of our own sex or of both sexes or of the opposite sex. In any given group of people, we have many similarities and always a few differences.
Here are some questions to consider:
If your differences don’t injure other people, should you be forced to change your differences and conform to be just like everyone else?
If your differences, DO injure other people, should your behaviour change and
Who should be responsible for changing your behaviour?
If your differences, DO injure other people and you refuse to change, what should happen next?
Do you feel you have the right to dictate how others in the group should look or should be?
If a few people in the group try to control the whole group, what are some of the things that may happen?
When a few people succeed in controlling or dominating the whole group or excluding certain people from their group, what has, through-out all of history, always been the long term result?
If either a man or woman acts aggressively towards you in a way that makes you fearful, you have the right to tell them you are uncomfortable and to ask them to stop. Being fearful, and saying stop doesn’t make you any less of a man. It only makes you a person who knows the level of personal interaction that you are prepared to allow. There may, somewhere, be aggressive, homosexual predators who wait to find unsuspecting men to sexually approach. These men are rare in our society, especially in proportion to the heterosexual predators who are prepared to make advances to unwilling or unprepared women.

Is your fear that you will be embarrassed by an encounter with a gay man who will touch your arm and ask you if you would like to have sex?
Is your fear that your son will be openly gay or even worse, do you fear that he might act in an effeminate way?
Are you afraid that if your son is effeminate that it reflects on your own manhood?
Are you afraid that if Gay people attend your church and vow to spend their lives together, that it will reflect somehow on your own religious beliefs?
Are you threatened by the fact that men are losing some of the privilege they once held over women?
Do you fear that gay or effeminate men are the thin edge of the wedge which will mark the end of a male dominated society?
WORSE, Do you fear that, unconfronted, these people will take over the earth, make everyone Gay and end society as we know it?
If your answer to all the above questions is NO, why do you feel so upset and negative maybe even violent towards this portion of our society? These people have always existed in our society. They existed in the past,they exist today, and they will exist in the future. If your answer to all the questions posed above is NO, then how could you relieve some of your upset, tension and concern. If your going to be able to live with yourself, your answer must be wise, fair and respectful. Good luck, coming to terms with this.

An all too common story . . . want to comment?

I wrote this FICTIONAL but REALLY common, story- Bruce Brown

This is a Fictional account! I made it up from dozens of stories similar to it that I hear weekly. If you think this story was written about you, particularly, you're wrong! I had no one man or woman or family in mind as I wrote this. If this describes you to a "T" it only serves as a sad reflection that this story is all too common.
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Here is how this mythical man may have spoken:
"I’ve always considered myself a reasonable and non-violent person. After the birth of our first child I had to work extra hours to make ends meet. When I came home late each night my wife was often angry for many different reasons. We would argue and it always ended up the same, with her yelling, pounding on me with her fists, kicking at me or hitting me with whatever was in her hand. One night after an hour of this, I tried to get out of the apartment, she wouldn’t let me go, I was frantic, I pushed her back inside the door and took off to cool down. I was sitting in the parking lot of the donut shop when a police car came up and they said I was charged with assaulting my wife. I was 48 hours in jail and in court the judge told me I was on probation. I couldn’t go home and I had to go to anger management. The whole system is slanted for women and against men. How about some balance in the system instead of always blaming the man. "

Here is another way of telling his story:

"I like to think of myself as unflappable, No-one can get me upset. After our child was born, things weren’t as nice around our house. The baby took all the energy my partner used to have for me. She wasn’t as pleasant to be with and the house was in upheaval because of this demanding child. To stay in control of myself, I decided I would just stay away from the house. I would stay at work or elsewhere and only return as was needed to eat and sleep. I can rationalize this as good because we do need extra money with her not working and with the extra expense of the child. This got my wife upset but I wasn’t going to get drawn into her little drama. Eventually she got really angry and started hitting me. I tried my best to escape these assaults but didn’t discuss it with her because I knew her agenda. It was to draw me into the drama of the household and the new child where I felt totally inadequate (In over my head) On the ONE day in my whole life that I ever hit anyone, I was just trying to escape again. I didn’t even hit her, I just pushed her out of the way and ran out. She’s unstable and now she’s just trying to manipulate me using the police as her tool."
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Dear Reasonable Guy;

I am going to write back to you, an imaginary letter from your partner to her best girlfriend. If you want your relationship to continue, or if you want to have a relationship in the future, perhaps you could draw some answers from what she might have revealed.

"Dear Alison; (Fictitious name)

What a nightmare I am in now. As you know, my husband was always my ‘rock’ my protector, my hero. Now I am so frustrated with him.

When our baby was born we were so happy. We both learned to change diapers and in the first two weeks that was a shared responsibility. I was gratified that he would go out and buy me anything I needed for the baby and he continued, later, to do that that because with the one car, I’m pretty well stuck in the house.

She got colic-y for 10 days and that’s when I began to notice the change. He was as frustrated as I, that the baby wouldn’t stop crying but at night he said he had to get some sleep so he could work in the morning. As the ‘stay at home’ person, it suddenly became my responsibility to stay up at night and in the morning I was a wreck. Then I began to get cabin fever. While the baby was asleep, I would clean the house, wash the clothes, and prepare meals. When the baby was awake in the day we had some lovely times together, it was so exciting and I longed for a real adult to tell about all the things that were happening.

He started coming home later and later and he was more and more tired from this extra work he was doing. I felt like he didn’t want to hear about our baby. In fact I started to get the feeling that the baby was a bother to him. Whether the baby was awake or not he wanted my attention too. I started to feel really frustrated that he would plunk himself down in front of the TV and treat us as if we were a bother to him. If I was trying to settle the baby or if she was fussy, instead of helping me he seemed to be demanding my attention, as if he were another child.

When I confronted him about that he would say he was too tired to deal with this and would go into the bedroom and shut the door, or out to work in the garage. I became so up set that a couple of times I yelled right in his face that he was a lousy father. He would yell back that he was the one supporting the whole family as if my contribution as homemaker and mother didn’t count.

Last week I got really frustrated with his non-caring and his always avoiding helping me. When he tried to escape the garage, I stood between him and the door and refused to move. He took me by the shoulders and tried to move me aside. I yelled at him that he was a selfish bastard and pounded on his chest with my fists as hard as I could. Then he just pushed me aside (you know how strong he is) and I fell against the refrigerator and clunked my head on the handle.

That hurt and I got a bruise but I suddenly got all shakey and I thought that I don’t really know this man. I felt afraid in my own house and I didn’t know what to do so I called 911. He had to spend the weekend in jail and now he can’t live here or talk to me. Now I’m REALLY alone and financially I don’t know what the future holds. I need help and I don’t know where to turn

Your Friend

Amy (Fictitious name) "

Of course, this may not be anywhere near what was going on in your partners head, but . . . WHAT WAS going on in your partners head. Can you put your self in her shoes?

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Don't forget that Blogs appear in reverse order and the Blog you just read may have nothing to do with the one below it on this page
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Today is the first day in the rest of my Blog

Just by the way of introduction, I am a men's councillor working in Ontario, Canada. I co-lead a regular group meeting of men who have been convicted of Domestic Assault and I co-lead another group of Dad's who want parenting skills and support.

I have begun this blog to provide a forum for discussions about troubles in relationships.
My hope is to put some real issues before you and hear how you respond! I'm hoping there can be some meaningful feedback and discussion about fair, equal, responsible and respectful relationships. What do we personally need in a relationship? What's fair and what's unfair? What are the most common challenges we face in a family and for that matter what is a family? Who gets the control in a relationship?

If you have some strong thoughts on these subjects or other subject related to family, speakup, lets hear them. Please, as you are writing, be respectful of the people you are writing about. Be confidential, you may tell people your name and your situation but if you bring others into the discussion please write so their identities remain anonomous. (That is a huge part of being respectful)