Changing on the Inside

It is more difficult to change
what is on the outside
than what is on the inside.
--Paulo Coelho

When those around you, your partner, your children, your family, those with whom you work, those who see you in everyday life . . .when they, look at you, whom do they see?

Do they see a tough guy . . . someone people don’t want to mess with . . fear? Do they see a buffoon . . . a clown who treats everything lightly, a joke? Do they see a victim . . . someone who is always taken advantage of, the world treats unfairly? Do they see a coward who goes along with the crowd to avoid rejection or ridicule? Do they see a cheater . . .someone not to trust, to steer clear of? Do they see a cynic . . . someone who seems to think the worst in every situation? Do they see a braggart, a show off, a bully . . . a person intent on controlling those around him with coercion, social pressure and belittling? Do they see a wise person . . .someone they would come to, to help them solve their problems, that they listen to?

This essay is not asking if you actually are one of those people described, but would the people around you, see you that way? Do others look at you and describe you as a bully, a coward, a cheater, a hero, a leader? If you can agree you most likely represent one of those described above, then . . . is that really you; or on the inside are you someone else?

As we move through life we gain new insights about ourselves, we realize our mistakes and we come to new or different understandings of right and wrong. We change our thought on the inside, but now can we change our behaviour on the outside?.

We think: “I don’t want to be a tough guy any more, I’m tired of that. I want the closeness and love and respect and appreciation and high regard of all those around me. But what about my outer appearances? I’ve acted the tough guy so long that I’ll never be believed. Those I have intimidated, bullied, coerced, abused will never accept the new me, the changed me. Does that mean I’m trapped, that I must accept myself as a bully evermore? What would be the risk if I just stopped acting like a bully, right now? My closest friends wouldn’t believe me, they’d be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It would make them nervous, suspicious, mistrusting. Some of those who knew me more casually might take my lack of aggression as a chink in my armor and take the opportunity to attack me. As impossibly difficult as it might seem, I would have to step out of their way, avoid them, give them their small perceived victory and then leave without reprisal. With others, I might have to expect indifference or lack of recognition. When I was an aggressive bully, they had to pay attention or face peril. Now I would just be that guy who was always such a jerk in the past. At first I may be shunned, rejected, not included . . .but if my new personality is only positive, non-threatening and friendly those around me, may they eventually set aside their old opinions? They won’t forget, and I may always be held to a higher standard but eventually I could leave my old life behind.

We think: I have nothing worth valuing so I have become a clown. Those around me laugh at my humour, comment on my antics and grimace at my attempts to put myself down, to make a joke at my own expense. Jokes are almost always made at someone’s expense. What if I stopped doing that, would I become invisible to those around me? What could I offer to others if not my humour? What is it that I value most in others, could I start to offer that instead of acting the buffoon?

We think: Why does it always happen to me? It seems like I’m not capable of avoiding disaster. If someone is going to take advantage of others, it is me who they choose as their victim. If someone is going to be chosen for something good, it is always someone else . . .I am never chosen. Society is unfair. The rich and powerful and famous and privileged make rules that I must live by; rules that hold me down.

I want something more during my life so I will start by writing down what I realistically want for myself and five or six positive and practical things I can do to work towards reaching my goal. I’ll have a timeframe for when this is going to be done. When I get there, I’ll re-evaluate whether I was realistic in time and goal; then I’ll make a new goal. All these little goals will start by accepting that society and friends and acquaintances have their own goals and limitations and that I will have to acknowledge them and take them into consideration as I make my own plans. I will have to accept that day to day I must be respectful. I can’t get to my goals by trying to change others or society.

We think: I’m tired of being afraid, of being a little mouse, of hiding in corners and not speaking my mind. I’m going to start standing up for myself. When someone asks me to do something that is unfair, I will tell them I think it is unfair and that I won’t do that any more. But there may be a cost to that. I may be rejected, or punished or ridiculed and the person making fun of me may have the support of other people who are also afraid to stand up to him or her. Never the less I will restate my position and stand by it because no matter what the consequences, I will know, I did what is right for me. I will be proud and feel good, not ashamed, of my decision.

We think: I’m a nice guy, in fact probably nicer than most. I’m pleasant, I’m fair and usually I’m right, I’m generous to a fault, I’m intelligent, I love to socialize and the people who gather around me ‘Get’ my humour, they think like I do. My wife used to be like that too. . .she ‘Got’ me and I got her; she was a babe before the kids came along. Now she’s let herself go a bit . . . or more than a bit, if you catch my drift. The chicks that my guy friends hang out with are still ‘hot’ and the little wifey would be hot too if she’d put a little effort into it. I don’t get why we aren’t as close as before. She’s always upset with me now and from the time we get up in the morning to the time we go to bed, she does nothing but criticize and frankly I’m sick of it. If she wants to know why I’m always on the golf course, she should look at herself. There should be a statute of limitations on “bitchy” Don’t get me wrong, I love the little woman but my golf buddies all agree with me, she’s gotta loosen up or this guys going back on the market. . . and my parents are no different, for some reason they’re on her side. It sure screws up Christmas’s when everyone’s on your back. The kids don’t see it. I got them both 4-wheelers this year and PS2’s - - Got the wifey a diamond necklace and she loved it, but the next day she was back at me . . .there’s just no justice.

OK . . . That’s me on the outside, but inside, I’m lost, what the hell can I do? I know that my partner is just reacting to the way I treated her, to the way I’ve always treated her, to way I still treat her, she sees right past my gifts, my glitzy behaviours.

When it gets right down to it, I know I’m heading down a dead end. It’s almost as if I’m addicted to the life style I’ve built for myself and truth be told, I know I can’t keep this up for ever. I don’t want my kids and my wife to value me only for the gifts I give them. I don’t want my wife to resent the way I act in public. I know that some day there will be a younger, cooler guy than me who will start to get all the attention I demanded till now. I’m always the one with the right opinion, I always pretend I know everything and no-one else’s opinion matters. I’ve got to put away that habit if I want to continue to have a family. I know that most of the men I hang out with are sunny day friends and we share this insincere game of trying to ‘one-up’ each other. If I’m not more honest and straight-forward with them, I know some day they’ll abandon me for something more real, something more worthy.

If I’m to think about this like a mature person, I have to take responsibility for what I’ve created. I have a home, a wife, children who need me as a roll model. I need to share my life, my whole life, with my wife. I need to include her as I socialize, discuss our problems and solutions together, share equally in parenting our children and get back to building our lives together. I know that may not be easy. I’ve given my family few reasons to trust me and it may be years before that trust is ever restored.

Many men are able to describe exactly, what is right, what is moral, what it just, what is fair, what is respectful, what is equal, and what is honest; and yet, they haven’t been able to live the life they can describe so well. They are fearful that if the start to take apart one of the protective shells described above, they will not survive the outcome; yet with this ‘Shell’ they are destroying themselves or preventing themselves from achieving those things they actually value most.

Does your shell need rebuilding . . . What could you do today to start that process?

© B. Brown 2010