The Selfish Fisherman

Bruce Brown

This is actually an article about male privilege. Somehow, when some men find partners and marry, there is an unwritten law that the marriage won’t get in the way of his games and toys. That law is seldom discussed during the courting period but when the romance wanes these particular men often put their own desires above the demands of the relationship.

Not too long ago during one of our Men’s Groups, we discussed financial abuse in relationships, and as part of the evening’s display we showed a short film clip in which the man of the house was preparing to go on a fishing trip.

He hadn’t discussed or planned with his wife about the financial aspect of the trip and when he discovered they didn’t have enough money to go he became angry at his

wife and blamed her for paying the bills when he had counted on using that money for his weekend with the boys.

Interestingly, one of the man our group that evening was also planning a weekend fishing and hunting expedition with his friends but like the character in the film, he hadn’t taken his wife into consideration. Actually he had, but he had decided to go anyway come hell or high water and his wife was just going to have to put up with it because he was not going to miss this weekend with the boys.

He was agonizing to the group about this. He had responsibilities at work that he was leaving he was going to be leaving his wife on the hook for some things that just had to be done that weekend and he was spending money he didn’t really have, for his own recreation.

It was pointed out to him by several in the group that he was making a decision without including his wife. It was pretty obvious that he understood what he was doing but by not going to hunting camp, he felt he was cheating himself out of one of his favorite pastimes. He was pretty frustrated that neither the group nor the group leaders could provide him with a solution of his moral quandary.

In relationships, these sorts of predicaments are quite common. In our scenario this thirty-something man had been going on this ‘Hunting Camp weekend with his friends since their teen years and when his relationship with his wife came along he thought he could just fit it in with the rest of his life and for the most part he could. His wife was supportive of many of his interests and he of hers but now there was a conflict and the decision he made, appeared selfish, self serving and ultimately it was taking advantage of his partner. He knew if he discussed it with her, the outcome would be that he probably couldn’t go.

What to do? In this case, he knows and you as readers probably know, what the answer is. If the man feels any compulsion to act in a responsible, adult way, his decision would be personally painful, yet easy.

His choices are clear. He can forsake his partner for his friends, leaving her to make the decision on how their relationship is to proceed (or not proceed) in the future;

He can once again borrow against the currency of good will that exists between two partners in a relationship; or he can make the fair respectful decision to attend to his home responsibilities, his partner, his business decisions and offer his regrets to his hunting and fishing buddies.

A little more foresight and reasonable planning might help in the future; more communication and discussion with his partner and his friends might help in the present;

and some reflection and examination of his values and beliefs might help him in reconciling his behavior in the past. This is not a one time crisis, an unfortunate event, it is part of his continuum and he will continue to face this dilemma until he decides to modify his beliefs and behaviors to be less ego-centric.

We all face variations on these sorts of decisions on a daily basis. We choose to watch TV while the dinner dishes are being done or we rush off in the morning without putting out the trash. We just never remember to clean the toilet, and if asked we have a really good reason why we weren’t able to do those things. Do any of the following excuses sound at all familiar? “I work all day, she just has the kids to deal with”, “I need some down time after dinner”, “jees, I just plain forgot about the garbage”, “Sorry, no way, I just don’t do toilets” and right up to “I gotta go - the guys in the hunting camp are counting on me”

Relationships are all about give and take. We have a responsibility on an ongoing basis to honestly evaluate whose doing the giving and whose doing the taking and if that’s getting out of balance, there needs to be a correction or the relationship will stop working.

“Honey, it’s just going to kill me to miss this weekend with the boys but financially I can’t swing it and I don’t want to leave you on the hook for that work we had to do – I’m staying home”