By: Bruce Brown
I’ve been struggling with something I was approached on last week. We are trying to impart some usable values to dads. One father approached me and asked how he can share watching the hockey game with his son.
He revealed that he finds it exciting when two players get into a fight on the ice, the gloves come off and there are bloodied noses. He enjoys that. It gives him a rush. He feels like he wants to cheer and root for one fighter or another and makes a triumphant show when the underdog gets beaten up.
He claims all this was part of his upbringing in his northern community. It was a huge part of their society to play hockey in the winter. The competitiveness and the brutal fighting were all part of it.
His son asks him why these revered NHL players are allowed to do this on the TV yet he gets in trouble for the same type of conflict in the schoolyard. Why does his dad get excited and cheer for this type of brawling in front of the TV and yet when he copies this behaviour in the street, dad hauls him into the house and lectures him.
Dad reveals that his son sees this as a double standard. . and IT IS! If dad, as an adult, is excited by violence and physical battering, maybe he has to examine his own beliefs and attitudes. Is this excitement, or an offshoot of a fearful reaction? If Dad identifies with one or the other of the fighters, maybe that agitated feeling is his own fear of getting beaten or attacked and he actually is having a fantasy about how he would have to react to protect himself to beat off or over-come the attacker. He gets excited and stimulated by a fantasy in his own mind that he is involved in this possibly life and death fight.
The emotions Dad displays in front of the TV don’t belong in the realm of children. They fall in the same category with foul abusive language, overt sexuality, cheating/dishonesty and Intimidation. They are all beyond children’s ability to understand yet well within their ability to practice imitating.
If you are going to watch Hockey together as a family recreation you’ll have to keep you feelings to yourself around the violence. You can cheer for good skating, an exciting goal, a great save or terrific plays. You can boo when the referee makes a really bad call on a play. When your son or daughter asks about the violence, no matter how giddy you feel about it inside you help them understand that is not an acceptable behaviour on or off the ice. They must come to realize that this is a game in a hockey area and is not real life.
You need to use your adult discretion to show different types of behaviour while you are with children. If you can’t do this for them, they may grow up to believe that violence is acceptable under certain circumstances. They may grow up as part of a society who accept gun fights and gang violence on the street. They may see intimidation as the best way to get what they want. They may come to believe that if you really want something that you just beat-up someone and take it or cheat and steal.
You are the one setting the standards for your children by being a model for them. There is no doubt. . what you show them, they will eventually copy and do themselves.
When other children or adults try bullying or agressive tactics on your very own kids, they could end up being victims themselves because they don’t know any other way of figuring out what is happening to them.
If you teach them fairness, co-operation and respectful methods of dealing with others, they will grow up to be the leaders in a better society.
Bruce Brown
I’ve been struggling with something I was approached on last week. We are trying to impart some usable values to dads. One father approached me and asked how he can share watching the hockey game with his son.
He revealed that he finds it exciting when two players get into a fight on the ice, the gloves come off and there are bloodied noses. He enjoys that. It gives him a rush. He feels like he wants to cheer and root for one fighter or another and makes a triumphant show when the underdog gets beaten up.
He claims all this was part of his upbringing in his northern community. It was a huge part of their society to play hockey in the winter. The competitiveness and the brutal fighting were all part of it.
His son asks him why these revered NHL players are allowed to do this on the TV yet he gets in trouble for the same type of conflict in the schoolyard. Why does his dad get excited and cheer for this type of brawling in front of the TV and yet when he copies this behaviour in the street, dad hauls him into the house and lectures him.
Dad reveals that his son sees this as a double standard. . and IT IS! If dad, as an adult, is excited by violence and physical battering, maybe he has to examine his own beliefs and attitudes. Is this excitement, or an offshoot of a fearful reaction? If Dad identifies with one or the other of the fighters, maybe that agitated feeling is his own fear of getting beaten or attacked and he actually is having a fantasy about how he would have to react to protect himself to beat off or over-come the attacker. He gets excited and stimulated by a fantasy in his own mind that he is involved in this possibly life and death fight.
This of course is not real and how can his young son possibly understand that his dad is having a fantasy and the ‘players’ in this fantasy are paid thousands of dollars to draw viewers into this fantasy. The answer is that a child cannot possibly understand these things and needs some protection from these displays and fantasies until they are older and able to form their own opinions about them.
The emotions Dad displays in front of the TV don’t belong in the realm of children. They fall in the same category with foul abusive language, overt sexuality, cheating/dishonesty and Intimidation. They are all beyond children’s ability to understand yet well within their ability to practice imitating.
If you are going to watch Hockey together as a family recreation you’ll have to keep you feelings to yourself around the violence. You can cheer for good skating, an exciting goal, a great save or terrific plays. You can boo when the referee makes a really bad call on a play. When your son or daughter asks about the violence, no matter how giddy you feel about it inside you help them understand that is not an acceptable behaviour on or off the ice. They must come to realize that this is a game in a hockey area and is not real life.
You need to use your adult discretion to show different types of behaviour while you are with children. If you can’t do this for them, they may grow up to believe that violence is acceptable under certain circumstances. They may grow up as part of a society who accept gun fights and gang violence on the street. They may see intimidation as the best way to get what they want. They may come to believe that if you really want something that you just beat-up someone and take it or cheat and steal.
You are the one setting the standards for your children by being a model for them. There is no doubt. . what you show them, they will eventually copy and do themselves.
When other children or adults try bullying or agressive tactics on your very own kids, they could end up being victims themselves because they don’t know any other way of figuring out what is happening to them.
If you teach them fairness, co-operation and respectful methods of dealing with others, they will grow up to be the leaders in a better society.
Bruce Brown
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